I`m Startin` To Realize...

How much I let things distract me from doin` what needs to be done. Whether it`s me tryin` to devote time to somethin` or someone else instead of focussin` on what I need to do. Or just a case of me bein` lazy. It tends to happen a lot lol. It`s funny how you start to notice the "not so good" things about yourself when you`re actually payin` attention and tryin` to see them. I don`t know if it`s just me. But I get caught up worryin` about or tryin` to cater to other people too much and end up slackin` on what I need to do for ME. So just another thing I need to work on more as far as gettin` better at not gettin` lost in the mist of things. It sucks havin` a big heart lol. Especially when you give everyone a chance to take advantage of it. But I`m likin` that I`m startin` to see these things and work on them for the better. Not sayin` I`m gonna completely change. Because I am who I am and I`m gonna be who I`m gonna be. But this walkin` blind thing is for the sheep.

I swear women confuse the shit out of me....

Seriously. And they confuse the shit out of me in more than one way. I try to understand them. But there`s a few things that I`m clueless to hell about. So I`m gonna say what I gotta say then open up for conversation to any women who wanna comment on anythin` I say in this little rant.

First off. Though I`m pretty much to the point where it doesn`t bother me anymore. I was with someone recently. Happened to be that it was someone that I knew for quite a while. Started to get feelin`s and decided to see what happened from it. Everythin` was goin` good for about a month or so until she all of a sudden "couldn`t find time" to see me. I dealt with it for a couple weeks. But the thought of bein` with someone that knew so much about me and was someone that I would consider one of my best friends could no longer find ANY time to see me got to the point where I told myself I needed out of the situation. How you gonna tell me you can`t find ANY time AT ALL to see me? SERIOUSLY?!?!? Seems more like you don`t WANT to see me. If you did, you would find time. Even if it`s just to stop by for a few minutes and say "hi". I`m not a difficult dude. I`d be happy with that. All I`m askin` for is some face time. And I`m sorry. But bein` that it was my first attempt at bein` in a relationship again after about 3-4 years, it didn`t really leave me on a good note to want to try and hop back in a situation again lol. I don`t care how busy I am. If I WANT to be in a relationship with someone. I`m gonna go outta my way to make sure I can find some time to set aside to see that person. Even if it`s just goin` over to sleep. Face time means a lot in a growin` relationship. At least in my book it does. But maybe I`m wrong ladies. Maybe I`m not understandin`. If that`s the case, explain how I`m wrong. Because from where I stand, I don`t see how I wouldn`t be able to find ANY time to see the person I`m with. And I keep emphasizin` ANY because that`s what it was. Last time I seen her was on Thanksgivin`. Didn`t break up with her `til after New Years. Started seemin` like every reason to not be able to see me was bein` found and used. You tellin` me I can`t get 5 minutes out of a day? One night out of a week?

Ok. On to my next bone to pick with you women. This is about a friend. So if she reads this, she might hate me for a while lol. But it`s somethin` that bothers me as well. Actually this is about 2 people at the same time. Kind of the same situation with both. I mean I`m all about not ruinin` friendships. But I hate when that`s the only excuse you have for not wantin` to give things a try and see if more than "friends" is possible. In one case, I think it`s more of a case of not bein` faithful and somethin` happenin` along the way on her part that might ruin shit. But if that`s the case just come out and say it lol. And the other situation I don`t know what to think. She don`t seem like the type of person to get in a relationship and do somethin` to mess it up. But she keeps tossin` that "I don`t wanna ruin our friendship" thing at me. I don`t see her reasonin` because she`s the type of person that I can`t think of anythin` that would come up to mess things up. But I guess she thinks it`s possible, so I can`t really hate on this. But it`s somethin` I never fully understood. I`m the type of dude that would rather try and be with someone that I`m close friends with. Cuz then I already know a lot about you. I think it gives the relationship a better chance as opposed to jumpin` into a relationship with someone brand new. But maybe that`s just me. Feel free to lemme know what you women think about this.

Ok. I`ll stop at this for now. These are the biggest 2 things that irk me at the moment. Any of you women that actually read this and have any input feel free to comment. Am I wrong about the findin` time situation or do y`all agree with me and was movin` on the best thing to do? And why do you women seem to frown on tryin` to give a relationship with a chance someone that you`ve know for some years? Is knowin` somebody actually a bad thing when it comes to tryin` to see if things can be taken past more than just friends? Fill me in on these...

Lately...

I haven`t been in a depressed mood lately. Haven`t really changed that much. Just got out of a certain situation that was startin` to take a bigger toll on me. Since then I been uplifted. Woulda never thought that just steppin` away from somethin` that I wanted to be a part of would do as much good for me as it did. Besides that I`ve been learnin` how to express myself more instead of just keepin` everythin` to myself because I think nobody will understand what I`m tryna say. It just happens that people actually understand me for the most part. At least what I wanna let them understand lol. I`d be lyin` if I said that I don`t like this new found happy feelin`. Guess I`m takin` some strides in the right way of makin` sure that I`m happy. Now I just gotta keep it goin` so I don`t fall back into the same repetitive cycle!

So We Had A Show Last Night...

And I found myself gettin` aggravated tryin` to get the crowd involved more than they were. And I don`t thnk we had a bad set at all. But it`s cool. That`s just somethin` I need to work on instead of gettin` aggravated about it. But on another note. A LOT of people did come up to me and show love after we got off stage so that was cool. HW and the Scribblenauts did they thing on stage. L.G. did his thing for the ladies with a Reggae set. Young Riot and Amalgam Digital came down to show love. That was dope. TCF murdered it on stage like usual. I think Ima rob y`all idea about spittin` acapella verses lol. THE LAST EMPEROR! WOOOOOOOOO. That`s what Ima say about him. A hip hop legend. And he rocked the stage like he still has the same hunger he did from day one. The crowd was pretty big. A lotta people came out. Hip Hop was definitely in the buildin`. State Of The Art. Swift Characters. B-Boys were doin` they thing all night. DJ Corleone was holdin` it down on the 1s and 2s. Bartendars were servin` some good ass drinks lol. That was a plus for me. I got some pretty good footage of the whole night. I`ll be editin` it and gettin` it up sooner or later for anyone that`s interested in checkin` it out. Check back soon to see if I have the videos up yet! PEACE!

Under The Bridge

Somethin` I wrote on Monday....

I don`t ever wanna feel... Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love... Take me all the way

With heart on sleeve, my crooked tie still resembles a noosed neck
That I could barely fix straight... just imagine my loose ends
I try to mold reality out these lies that the truth bends
While payin` attention to you has got me nothin` but new debts
I can`t afford to pay off, I just watch as they build up
This table for 2 is half full with regrets, but we`re still "us"
Or so I like the still believe, cause the endin` is not clear
The illusion is beautiful, but you expect me to not stare?
Not as easy as it seems, still haven`t threaded the needle
It`s like tryna stitch together 2 halves that aren`t equal
So things taste more bitter, a little harder to digest
Sheddin` a part of what you left cause you thought it was for best
And I`ve bargained what I kept with hopes we could be "more"
But this natural high always lands every time we see shore
So toss the anchor, we`ll wait a day and set sail tomorrow
As I come to terms with your heart, the one I failed to borrow

I don`t ever wanna feel... Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love... Take me all the way

With heart on sleeve, I gave up matchin` my shirt with new pants
I would`ve poured my heart, if only you`d cup your 2 hands
Tired of the need to feel loved, cause the longer I sit waitin`
Is the more I grow numb, which isn`t part of the sensation
But I stuck around long enough, time to seek me a new end
While you try to take credit for ruinin` 2 friends
That could`ve been leaps more had you just opened your eyes
Instead you rained on my parade, plagued with gray and sore skies
But this umbrella ain`t big enough for the both of us
So watch me head for clear skies while you open up
This boat has roughed through storms but watch as the bow breaks
Cause you granted me the freedom I believe that I`ll now take
And sail that way with, feelin` alone is what I`ll happily be
Mainly because I`m tired of you sittin` in my passenger seat
Though the pain might sting at first, it`s just a part of what`s lost
Inflate your ego, stand tall, I hope this bridge is knockin` you off

I don`t ever wanna feel... Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love... Take me all the way

On My Way Up...

Somethin` I wrote last February...

On my way up I saw...

Friends become enemies, over bottles of Hennessey
Enemies turn to friends, over bottles of Gin
Then friends become lovers, cause they didn`t use a rubber
Or lovers that hate eachother, cause one met a perfect 10
Then perfect became imperfect, kept to self and felt deserted
Insecure, it made her nervous, now she`s pullin` the pin
Then pens write good byes, suicide notes and cries
Cuz no matter what he tried, she fell in love with his friend
I seen murderers rape and kill, over crooked drug deals
Thinkin` a hundred dollar bill, was worth your next of kin
Then innocent bystanders, catch bullets in front of cameras
When asked why, we would answer: Cuz Jihad is a sin
Then planes fly into towers, guided by a higher power
Sharin` similar traits to ours, it`s all part of the end
Then endings became the start of depression, creatin` art
Painted over a breakin` heart, cause we`re too prideful to bend

On my way up I saw...

Smiles turn into cries, the truth turn into lies
As ears become our eyes, to see the silence within
Then silence turn into pain, as anger re-lit the flame
Knowin` they`re both the same, we still try to pretend
Then daughters without a mother, to tuck `em under the covers
And let her know that they love her, whenever she needs a friend
Then sons without a father, deadbeat or didn`t bother
That made it a lot harder, still they grew into men
Then children give birth to child, before they even learned to smile
Then sit and wait a while, just to do it again
Then people show interest in, this black man in the election
No longer was it a question, cuz Obama will win!
I`ve also seen beautiful things, like freedom and birds sing
Oppurtunity knock AND RING, but I`ll save that for when
Cause really, how does it sound after ugly? Can`t make you proud
So I`m turnin` back around, I`m goin` to talk to him

...And let him know what I see on my way down

So with the New Year...

I`ve decided there`s quite a few things I can do to better myself on the path of anythin` but failure lol. Shit I`ll even be happy with semi success compared to where I`m at right now. So I`m gonna see if I can put these in a list and explain a little about what I mean with each of them. Here we go... Bare with me...

1. "Me" comes first.
This is prolly gonna be my hardest task lol. And I don`t mean this in a dick head way either. But I`m a nigga with a big heart. I tend to put other people before myself A LOT. Usually too often. And I think it`s one of the biggest things I need to change. What I mean by this is makin` sure that I`m happy first and other people second. NOT sayin` that makin` me happy is all I care about. But I`m not gonna go out on a limb to make other people happy if it has the opposite effect on me. Which shouldn`t be hard because I keep a close knit group of people I keep myself around. And most of them are good friends and what not. So it should be easy to make sure I keep myself on an equal playin` ground as I keep them on when it comes to this.

2. "Fuck what you think."
Yea that`s right! I`m gettin` hardcore with this shit! Lol nosa. But word. I don`t need to get nobody`s "ok". And even though I`ve told myself that I`ve been that way. There`s been times when I still wanted/or thought I needed someone else`s approval. I`m over that now. This usually brings me back to number one where I end up tryin` to make other people happy and not makin` sure I`m ok with the situation as well. So they kinda both go hand in hand.


3. "If I don`t get it done, wtf am I even tryin` for?"
What I mean by this is that if I start out sayin` I`m gonna do somethin`, I need to follow through and make sure I finish it. Too often I just give up on shit or change my mind. Which also leads to me thinkin` things out more, so I needa make sure what I say I`m gonna do is somethin` I actually need to do and plan on finishin`. No more startin` stuff and just losin` interest or not makin` sure I see an end result. That hasn`t got me anywhere.

4. Be HAPPY
This is gonna be a hard one. Though I might hide it in person pretty good. I get depressed quite a damn bit. Usually it`s a hard thing to get through because somethin` new will add on to whatever was originally botherin` before I get through it. So it`s sorta like a downhill spiral of the same shit over and over. And I`m the type of person to keep my problems to myself for the most part unless I put it into my music. So I know that doesn`t help. But what I`m aimin` for with this is to try to stay away from things that might get me into the same usual shit where I get in my depressed stages.

5. Make Improvements
Pretty much. By the end of the year. I want to be in a better position than where I`m at now. Physically. Emotionally. Financially. Musically. Etc. I not sayin` by leaps and bounds. But I want to be able to see a difference. And HOPEFULLY a change for the better and not the worst. This is gonna take a lot of effort. But I`m ready for it. I`m tired of bein` in a hole. And I`m not gonna depend on nobody else to try and help dig me out. First step of gettin` where you wanna be is goin` for wherever that is full force. Only person that can hold yourself back is you. And I`m a firm believer of that. So I plan to make some changes and do what I need to do to see that this happens.

Ok ok ok. Not that big of a list. But I narrowed it down to things that I think will have the biggest impact on myself and help me become a better person as a whole. Some of you might not agree with this. But it`s what I think is best for me. Might not be 100% correct with all this. But we as people learn through mistakes. Trial and error is the best teacher. And with that said. It`s time to put these in motion.

Hmmm. Might use this over that "Say Somethin" beat....

Why can`t my problems remain basic,  gotta learn to face it
Both planted these flowers, I`m not feelin` the arrangements
Thought shit would be good cuz how long we done been acquainted
The picture that we painted gettin` tainted, keep hearin` my heart
It`s yellin` "leave!", but still convince it to try and stay
But what`s the point if you ain`t givin` the time of day?
Feel I should pack up and move back into my hide-a-way
I`m losin` sight, but the feelin` still grows inside of me
Hard to explain, but lately the vibe you givin` me
Seem like I`m talkin` to myself, and you`re not listening
And honestly ain`t a part of this verse that isn`t me
The liquor can`t erase these thoughts out of my memory
I used to feel I could see our path cross vividly
Now the flame is off, pot`s not simmering
I`ve stopped givin` you the whole hundred percent of me
Don`t mean I`d take it back but...

Without music....

I swear I think I`d be lost lol. I mean. I can`t be completely sure. I`m pretty sure if music was never introduced to us as a form of entertainment, I`m pretty sure I would find somethin` else to substitute for it. But in this day and age. Music is my escape. And I`m not just talkin` about makin` music. But just listenin` to music is like a luxury. It helps me get through A LOT of shit on a daily basis. it helps me be able to cope with current/past problems that pop up and try to rain on my happy parades. Or it just helps me vibe out and relax when the time is needed. Or on the other hand get hyped and bug out lol. Lately it`s been more of gettin` through the rainy days though. Not sayin` I`m the only one that has them. Or the only one that depends on music to help me get through shit. But it does play a major part in my life. And I actually sat down and thought about how dependent I am on music. It`s funny. But I think I`d go on a crazy trip without it. I`d lose my sanity or somethin` lol. Well music. And liquor. Lol. Those that know me know the truth in that statement. But at least with music around I won`t become so dependent on liquor that I`ll need some AA meetin`s anytime soon lol.